around... dublin

Summer.... 2009

Baila Atha Cliath

happy birthday to you

happy birthday to you

nowadays, after a little struggled w/ thebigC, now, she is back on trackwhen there, she was a different woman...i have to say, even living far from'er, an ocean is between us, and i am her only baby, she let me go... how hard must be for a mother leave her only one go away? She gave me'er bless and I am so happy to say, this tiny woman is a very quiet stronger example of good things come to the ones that work and waits!
lucia helena, mother of one, Congratulations in your big day!and there is more to come... next year, I'll be there, with U!
I love you and there is nothing that I wouldn't do for U!!!
happy birthday my baby!

around... @ 5am

I can’t sleep properly
I am in my most pro- creative process ever
If there is any good on this recession times, the good is that I am spending my energy far from the necessary.
Last night I lost all my data. Damage: 10,000 songs, 2,340 I-tunes and some videos. All my reports, texts and thoughts are gone. Cry? Yes, I did some crying over the spilt milk, but already back in my creative moment… and I can’t sleep at night… my head is soared and I am still lost! I need to know where from my next payment is coming…
If there is a way to stop banging my head into the wall, is stop and look with wall I am banging into. So, I am also learning the downfall of this is Life… a common phrase in Ireland. Everything that happens to you is because is life.
“Did you beau break up with you? Don’t worry is life
Did u lost you shares? Don’t worry is life
Did your dog died? Don’t worry is life”
F**** this... I refuse to accept his. This is not life. Is just a lot of bad luck coming around to you in once!
These are reflections that I am banging my head into… daily… and I don’t know if I am still alive… I still don’t know if I will succeed. And I hope I’ll!
Enough crying. Enough taking life for grant. It is serious matters that need to be treated well, so on, it would be good for you… it has to be!

PS: I need a new PC

Streets of Dublin
Roll on spring
Irl 2009

merece um click

http://www.mp3tube.net/br/musics/Maria-Gadu-Altar-particular/274799/

Paddys day

Baila Atha Cliath, 2009

What can I do?

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After you, left...

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<< musik >>

Soundtrack

Aromabar – All I want
Aquamate – All over you
Blue Six – Sweeter love
Blue Six – Very good friends
Countbasic – Strange life
Daft Punk – Something about us
Juliana Aquino – Stayin’ alive
Kaleidoscope – Tem que valer
Miguel Migs – This one
Paolo Conti – Via con me
Soulpatrol – Keep it country
Soulstance ft. Arthur Miles – The times
Sugar plant – Dryfruit
Thievery Corporation – So com voce
Victor Davies – Fire

professional help...

Medication

I don't need an education

I learnt all I need from you

They've got me on some medication

My point of balance was askew

It keeps my temperature from rising

My blood is pumping through my veins

Somebody get me out of here

I'm tearing at myself

Nobody gives a damn about me or anybody else

I wear myself out in the morning

You're asleep when I get home

Please don't call me self defending

You know it cuts me to the bone

And it's really not surprising

I hold a force I can't contain

And still you call me co-dependent

Somehow you lay the blame on me

garbage, back few good years!

photo from city of god movie!

Amsterdam, Holland - 2005

Amsterdam, 2005

A quick trip! What a trip

When I arrived back in 2004, my life was a completely chaos. I was trying to put my life together in Ireland and thinking still in Portuguese; I was trying to make up to the fact that I left a heavy addiction in crack cocaine behind me; I was trying to come to terms about who I was and what I am doing in this world, and it was all going too fast and in completely disconnection to the real world.
I was cleaning toilets in a very good place in Dun Laoghaire but I was not happy because I hated that job. I didn’t know how the system works and my visa was expiring again! So I learnt that I have to go out and come back to Dublin, so I could get my extension.
As usual, running low in cash, I figured out that a good place to go would be Amsterdam, Holland. So I packed bags and went in one day trip. What a trip…




When I got pass the airport, I thought I wouldn’t ever pass it, everything was in Dutch and I was so scared that I remember that I missed the bus to get in my hostel. Back @ the day, no cash enough to pay 5* hotels, so I ended up in HANS BRINKER HOSTEL, @ Kerkstraat. I dropped my bag in room 9, bed B and started to walk around the same block. In fact I was scared to death that I couldn’t find the place again. When I crossed the 1st channel, I was in heaven.



My hostel was just few doors down the Global Chillout… a smoking café thing… so well, I just need to say that after 2 years cleaning up my mind and body, the only thing that I had in mind was blow a big splif and I did! I got a Pakkie one! It was huge! It sent me straight out of orbit…







I could barely move my mind, less still my body, and legs! A smoke in the Red Light City is an art! They have so many things paraphernalia that my old days nicking napkins at Nilda’s just looks wrong… *))
I was carrying my photograph equipment in a yellow bag and it was getting dark faster. When I left the place I couldn’t help think that I was been following by the Dutch police confusing me with a terrorist. It was indeed a moment of panic – a bad trip.




I notice in two years living outside Brazil that the cops in here carry guns, hiding horses and the streets are one way. So you can walk without look back… I hate the traffic. Bikes, cars, metros, bus, people, everything moving you to the side! Not cool.. And I nearly die twice ‘cos I was, first, crazy in mi mind and second, bikes. They are as dangerous as cars… not cool either.
I also didn’t like the visual pollution; the amount of black turbans on the street and everything seems to look like a big Red Light corner… I didn’t take pictures from the area! It is already well documented and I couldn’t be bothered, I was still very crazy from the joint. Everything over there seems to look very depressed, not ‘cos of the people but, the idea of selling a body is a well organised and structured industry…
From this moment, I just went crazy taking pictures from the area that I was in and maybe some other day I will be able to take descent notes and photos…
I’ll be back, indeed.

- - -

About the hostel:

Nice and young. Don’t go there carrying diamonds and a purse full of credit cards and money. Play safe is the best police. The hostel is near enough from the Vondelpark, good for cruising outdoors; the Tommy Hilfiger European headquarters; museums, metro stations and all the possible facilities to help the trip tourist find themselves in this crazy place!

The hostel’s profile on google.com? The Hans Brinker Budget Hotel Amsterdam takes honesty to the extreme with its infamous communication campaign, revered and reviled in equal measure.

Directions
Directions to Hans Brinker Budget Hotel, Amsterdam
From Amsterdam Central Station take tram 1, 2 or 5. Get out at 5th stop (keizersgracht) and take the first street to your left, this should be Kerkstraat. If it's not, ask a local!

I had a quick chat with my American roommate before I became unsocial:
“The Hans Brinker is an interesting experience. If you are looking for an inexpensive bed in Amsterdam, this might be your best option. The hostel (I don’t think that the Hans Brinker qualifies as a "hotel.") has a good location, is inexpensive, and has reasonably friendly staff. A completely uninspired breakfast is a part of the room rate.Some of the draw-backs include the fact that the hostel is not particularly clean and can be extremely loud, especially in the late evenings when many of the Amsterdam revelors are returning home. All this being said, the Hans Brinker makes no illusions about the quality of its hotel. This is truely a case of "you get what you pay for."I never felt unsafe at the hostel, but I probably would not stay here again.Unique Qualities: Bar/dance club in the basement is interesting.”

And I firmly disagreed with his views. Also, as I was alone, I didn’t care about those issues. I was also crazy of my head so didn’t bother at all those things.

In Kerkstraat street area look for The Magere Brug ("Skinny Bridge"). It is a bridge over the river Amstel in the city centre of Amsterdam. It connects the banks of the river at Kerkstraat street, between the Keizersgracht and Prinsengracht canals.

What I did care the most was the fact that was my first hop off out Dublin; my first joint after kicked away my addiction, and I was moving on with my life, alone. Back @ the day, I was single, living in Island Bridge, D8 and not so scared anymore about things in life! I was just 24 when I first went to the 70’s Babylon!

odd dates

Face, the door...


While searching for the right one, you might feel the urge to experiment. Nothing is more natural than experiences. It makes us, a better human being. It makes us, think in the process and if luck, your adventure will pay off. In the gay world, it is no exception; and with so many tools, gay people are well ahead in experiments. Web sites, Bluetooth, clubs, cruising areas and the freedom make our universe more attractive and dark.

One day, bored in my room I decided to invest some time online and release the pressure. I had a though day and my body was senseless talking to me to let things out. Gaydar is so far the biggest matching website in the UK and Ireland and there you’ll find several different nationalities, professionals and so on. The night that I was on, so far, 1059 people were picking online. Nothing if compared to England; 3400 people searching and cruising online; or 2450 Dutch fellas.
So many different guys approached me and as always rules are: you have to have a picture, be nice and polite, speak some English to give fluency in the approach and beauty goes according to each other taste. I did choose my fella and he also chooses me.

He is a 35 years old, attractive, tall, well build, French male, working in IT in Dublin for the past 4 years. We kept speaking online till both us decides that time has come to us to meet personally. He is also my neighbour. I am living in Dublin 6 and he’s from the posh decadent D4. It also was a bit late; around 12.35am but both of us were very horny and we were really looking for a releasing quick one. Because of the proximity I decided that I would turn up in his place; funny is I never do that. They usually come to mine.

When I got in the property, a lavish apartments block with high tech security gates, that still now I didn’t figure out how it does work, he allowed me inside and when I got in his apartment, number 25; he gave the bottom to top look while I was standing yet outside looking for his approval- five minutes and he welcomed me inside. Politely he offered a cup of tea due the freezing weather outside. He reinforced his details before mentioned in our online chat sitting comfortably in his black leather sofa.

The place’s deco was very much animalist theme; zebras, leopard, tigers were the pattern of sofas, cushions, table cloths, lamp shades… “Oh my God; am I in a zoo?” and chocking news, his beau is an Australian visiting the parents in Down Under, which had done the entire deco for them. “Not my cup of tea at all” I thought.
We kept few minutes with a mammoth in the room, very uncomfortable silence and so, he decides to take me to their bedroom. I confess that I would rather stay in the living/zoo room. When I got there, the bedroom was filled up with animals, leather and teddy bears. I couldn’t help wonder, I felt miserable. How far would I go in that tacky room? O.k. he is a piece of an amazing French brioche but been horny is one thing, loose my soul in that zoo would be a completely different thing. But, whatever, why not…I was horny and he was there…

We undressed and when I got in bed, he simply announced, sharply, that he was not in the mood for that. And politely he offered me the door: “Would you mind to leave my place now?” I couldn’t believe that this was happening. I was chocked, yet, again. I could never ever in a million years have pictured myself in that situation. Oh gosh, I wished that the Earth could open and take me in. I got off that bed, got dressed, tried to pick my pride up and lashed out of that zoo…

On my way home I felt a huge punch in my confidence and I cursed myself and nobody else but me. Yet again, desire has betrayed me! Why did I not see the signals? Why I was showed the door like if I have some lethal disease? I didn’t deserve that. Anyway I was a guess… While backing home, I felt left over as if I was a onion that no one eats at the end of a meal; the cold that I felt was worse than Russian winter snow and the continuing strange feeling that I’ve been failing in my decisions followed me around for days…

But what goes around comes around…according to JT, the singer!
Ps.: this happened in January, 2009.

new, old, expectation!

. . . doubts . . .

What is the worse fear when you start something new? The fear of not doing right or the fear of put too much pressure too soon? Maybe the fear of being happy and let it be is the worse ever. When you passed throughout so many obstacles in a short period of life, a relationship in the end of a tunnel might seems right. But… we will always have the doubts.
In fact, doubts aren’t a bad thing at all. Now, how you will handle it is what really matters in this maths. If you hand your doubts thinking ahead and adding experiences on top of it, you will figure out some answers. Might not be the right ones, but, at least, you are shedding light in your fears! Fears and doubts are inevitable hand in hand! Real friends also will play a good part on the process to clear your doubts, but without them, do not think your world is over.
Be courageous and have a good mind that things will clear up is the way to go. With that thought in mind, I am kind shedding some light in my denials, fears and doubts.
But it is all a hard job. I am a kind guy that in my teenager years, I didn’t have relationship, at all. Less still was I kissing girls; so jealous of Kate Perry. But I was already having, protect, sex, loads. But since the early ages, I started to deal with my desires and feelings by myself.
So on, when I start something new, especially relationship I have a tendency to create a whole new expectation. I like to be in relationship. But I am no fool in deny that a strange feeling take over the rational side of my brain and makes me a very unbalanced person.
Experience will teaches you to master your way to skip that feeling but, like me, you might always be the crazy guy in other’s people eye. I don’t care, but some people cares, and a lot. Some of then, kill themselves. Others abuse the drink, I did, and drugs, I also did. And, now, I am handling it all clean and confused still, but no magical stuff goes into my brains. They come out, as writings.

For instance, now, I think I am getting a new relationship! I get myself thinking my new thing like if it is a clean sheet that I must care about. There, I’ll write the stories that I may live at the moment with that special guy with my particular pen and in a very good paper… much consideration also brings the flavour while I am enjoying that. This is indeed a good feeling.
However, I know I must be clever and intelligent to stop denying the good things that I am having but I am not. I am 100% emotion and because I fear on my own, (I live alone) the fear of not having at all kills the good side of having something. That feeling is a real pain in the hole. We all know that we don’t have at all! But we keep denying this.
I get myself thinking how much does the other likes me! I guess I’ll never know in depth. I guess I’ll never be able to relate how much he cares for me! And honestly, all of that is fine since he keeps the respect and attention while with me! What is not fine is the fact that because of him, my insecurities and fears double its size.

Once when I was in a bad, really bad, relationship, my ex took from me, my ability to trust in people. Now, I ask myself if with this one, I will ever be able to bring this skill back into my life! I guess if I don’t give a shot, I’ll never know!

and... the year is... 2004

My first round taking pictures in Dublin! Oh God, 2004... it was really so different! Brazilians @ time were so exothic... I miss those days!!!

From now on in my sites and social networks we are looking back on time. I have to many files that need to be out! Hope u all enjoy as much I do looking back...

experiences

Irish sky

the sky says it at all!

@ Dragon!

a long time ago when money was not a problem but reason to spend...